Brew That Art Cold

yah you guessed it its cold brew

Hey.

Hey!

HEY! WAKE UP!

Wow you’re a deep sleeper. Seems like you need some caffeine.

Well lucky for you I have a recipe for our favorite form of caffeine; coffee. And not just any coffee, the strongest form of coffee (below espresso). It’s cold brew!

Unlucky for you we have to start it approximately 20 hours ago. So unless you’ve got a time machine we gotta get started on this pronto my bronco.

Now you don’t need a lot to make cold brew. Though some fancy coffee chains from Seattle may have convinced you otherwise, you can make this at home!

First you need a pitcher. I like using a 64 ounce mason jar. Why yes, I am white, how did you know?

Next you’ll need coffee beans (duh). I personally love light roast beans from Guatemala, so I chose Perc Coffee from Whole Foods. Make sure they are coarsely ground.

Throw in two cups of coffee beans into your pitcher of choice (if you’re using a 64 ounce container).

“But wait!” You say! “I don’t have a 64 ounce container! I have a 1 quart container! (Or some other amount that doesn’t equate!)”

Well aren’t you a difficult Danielle. Fortunately, with MATHEMATICS we can solve this problem! Except, of course, there is another issue.

You see, America is dumb and we use the dumbest system for measuring stuff in the world. LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD USES THE METRIC SYSTEM. EXCEPT US.

And we’re just over here, ‘murica-ing away, with our cups, and quarts, and pints and gallons and who knows how they all together.

You know, to teach children how our measurement system works, we have to teach them songs over and over again just so they maybe get the idea. They have an illustration called Gallon Man. If you want to be terrified, look it up.

I bet in other countries, they’re just like: “It’s times 10 kids. That’s it. That’s the whole system. Just 10×10. Honestly, it’s really hard to fuck this up. Here’s your standardized test but one last time—just add a zero to the end each time go up, subtract a zero to go down.”

If you can’t tell, I’m jealous. I’m over here, in fifth grade, struggling to figure out how many feet are in a mile AND my changing body and kids in Europe just have to focus on the second part. Unfair.

Unfortunately I learned this recipe in Imperial (which is like such a dumb name for a system of measurement) so hold on while I attempt to translate it into something understandable.

2 cups (not liquid, but dry, because we didn’t bother to have a different name for each kind) equals 1 pint which approximately equals 17 ounces.

Now at this point, we can create a fraction (yay!) that helps us if you don’t have a 64 ounce container.

Please excuse my shitty handwriting/ math mistakes.

“Hey, author, did you do all that just to show off the fact that you can do fifth grade level math?”

Hmmm.

Perchance.

But hey! Now you know this. Hope it helps.

Mix your 17 ounces of coffee beans to 64 ounces of cold water (or equivalent).

The next part is easy. You just have to wait 12-24 hours.

Yes! You do need to wait this long. Otherwise the water won’t penetrate the beans and produce that sweet, sweet brew which we call coffee.

Once you’re finally done waiting, you just need to strain the beans and drink!

In this game of caffeination you and I desire and deserve one thing—the delicious foam that is proof all our waiting has worked.

Once you strain the beans with a cheese cloth or a French press, the foam will sadly disappear. All is well. Our work here is done.

Optional:

You can sweeten your batch of cold brew by adding sugar BEFORE chilling it. The sugar will not mix as easily once chilled.

AND AGAIN I used my fave, my little love, turbinado sugar. It mixed within 5 minutes (as the pics below will show).

Personally, I gotta cut the cold brew with my dairy free lover—vanilla soy milk. You’ve read about my love for soy before and I won’t bore you with it…for now.

There you have it! Fight capitalism, be caffeinated, and make your own food! I’m backing you babe 😉

Tools Needed:

• Large Container (64 ounces)
• French press/Cheese Cloth
• Second, smaller container (1.5 quart)

Ingredients:

• 2 cups of coarsely ground coffee beans
• Cold, filtered water
  • Optional:
    • Sugar

Directions:

1. Put two cups of coarsely ground coffee beans in the large container.
2. Fill up the rest of the container with cold, filtered water. Ensure that ALL the beans are covered.
3. Wait 12-24 hours.
4. Strain beans.
5. Add sweetener if desired.
6. Chill and enjoy!

B-b-b-bonus!

Are you struggling to get your kitten to care about equivalencies? Does she not seem to care about math, or education at all?

Start with waving a pencil to get her attention! Eventually she’ll want to learn to add, right?