Shameful Secret…(Not In a Food Porn Way)

but it could be if our husbands come to a mutual agreement for us aka lemon garlic roasted chicken

It’s been a while. And I can explain…but I must admit I am a bit ashamed.

For you see this October 2021 in the year of our Lorde, I got married.

Yes I know. And even worse, to a man.

I started this blog with the intention of never writing about husband’s, because they have cooties and are generally stinky.

Yet, here I am, married to one! I truly have failed all my Ls, Gs, some Bs, and Ts.

Rest assured reader, I shall stay true to my promise to never write about him! No more shall you have to struggle through stories of wives dying to be desired, wastefully baking casseroles, hoping that he’ll love her. I shall never torture you in such a way.

Well. Now that that’s out of the way…

Today’s recipe is inspired by my lovey dovey husband!!!!! He says every time I make this he’s so glad he paid three goats for me!!! I feel like soooooooo loved by him!!!!! I just have to keep making food this good forever and he’ll never cheat on me and that’s not so bad is it?? Alright ladies follow for tips!!

Today we’re making a whole roasted chicken for our big strong men, mashed potatoes and itty bitty salads (for like, us). Everyone knows men don’t eat greens!!

First you’ll need a whole chicken. I used a 4 lb chicken and my man said it was just right!! And everything he says is law and I must obey. Chop up three lemons and set aside. Break the breastbone of your chicken, pull out the innards and place in a pan, breast side down. If you’re not strong enough to break the breastbone, or it makes you squeamish, just get your big strong man to do it! Add generous amounts of olive oil, minced garlic, thyme, rosemary, salt and pepper. Finish with your sliced lemons. Place in the oven at 350 degrees for 50 minutes.

While that’s cooking, chop up 8-9 potatoes and throw them into a pot. Cover with water, add salt, get boiling and cook for 20 minutes

While all this is cooking you might think to yourself – “why gee, I think I’d like to rest!”

HEY. HEY STOP THAT. GET TO WORK AND CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE. WE GOT TWENTY MINUTES UNTIL OUR NEXT STEP AND YOUR MAN WONT BE HAPPY IF YOURE LAZY

After you’ve cleaned the whole house the potatoes should be ready to be drained. Add butter, sour cream, salt and pepper. Mix to taste. Or should I say, our man’s taste! I don’t have an identity anymore.

Oops! Gotta check on that chicken. A burnt chicken equals an angry man and that never turns out well for us does it ladies? If you would like your chicken skin extra crispy, roast under the broiler for an additional 5 minutes after your chicken reaches an internal temperature of 165 degrees.

Last and certainly least, a salad. Pull some weeds out of the ground who cares you’ll be the one eating it. If it makes you sick at least you’ll stay trim. And we all know, our husbands married us so we would never change because we’re objects 🙂

Wow ladies. What a fantastical adventure we’ve been on. I hope you’ve learned a lot from me and my fountain of wisdom. Well until next time (assuming my husband permits me to write!)

Ingredients:

For chicken:
- Raw whole chicken, about 4 pounds
- 3 lemons
- 2 tablespoons of minced garlic
- Teaspoon of salt
- Teaspoon of pepper
- 1 tablespoon of thyme
- 1 tablespoon of rosemary
For mashed potatoes:
- 8-9 medium potatoes
- Tablespoon of salt
- Water to cover potatoes
- 1/2 cup of vegan butter
- 1/2 cup of sour cream
- Salt and pepper to taste

Favorite greens for a salad (I choose arugula)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Cut three lemons into slices, set aside.
Remove the liver and other innards from your chicken. Break the breastbone.
Add olive oil to the bottom of your pan, and then place your chicken breast side down.
Add olive oil and spices. Massage into skin and get into all the nooks and crannies.
Place lemon slices on top of chicken. Put into oven for 50 minutes.
To create roasted skin, add 5 minutes at the end of cooking time under the broiler after removing the lemons.
Begin with new cutting board. Cut 8-9 potatoes into 2 inch size pieces. Place into pot and cover with water. Add salt and place on high. Once the water is boiling, reduce to simmer and allow to cook for 20 minutes.
Once the potatoes are soft enough for a fork to pierce easily, drain and allow to cool.
Once cool, add butter, sour cream, salt and pepper. Mix to taste.

Additional notes:

The bigger your bird the longer it will need to cook
Add as many spices as you want! I got lazy lol
Arugula salads are delicious and you should try them ESPECIALLY with fried onions
Ummmmmmmmm that’s it enjoy byeee