It’s Time For Freedom (Fries)

or how to make fries when infrastructure = socialism

Oh hello all. I suppose you’re wondering how I got in this situation.

Oh wait, you can’t see me? Shivering in my own American house? Unable to get on my American roads in my (mostly) American car filled with (kinda) American gas? Due to all the American snow?

Or did the socialists send it?!

Truly Biden and the deep state are behind this to crush our American spirits. This is how I know: days before this snow storm, the grocery stores were wiped out. Now the roads aren’t being cleared. We would have to pay for that service. Coincidence? I think not!

Of course, there is no better way to completely crush the American spirit than to restrict our access to french fries. I am most oppressed without my hot, salty strips of starch.

And yes, I suppose I could try to walk to McDonald’s but then I could also slip and die and though those fries are delicious, it’s just not worth it!

I must remember how our dear grandparents survived in hard times. In times like these, we must pull ourselves up by our bootstraps! Just from a sitting position, grab your bootstraps, and pull up!

Are you pulling?

Well I’m definitely pulling.

Have you gotten up yet?

I mean I definitely have so just keep trying. It totally worked for me so just keep going. What are you like, weak?

Yeah well since I’m up, I’m going to make my own, American fries! I’ll call them Freedom Fries! This is a new original idea so don’t steal it. And while you’re down there, pulling, you can just follow along I guess.

Start with one large potato per person. Wash, scrub off, and get ready to cut open.

Cut lengthwise, hot dog style. American style. You get it but I’ll attach a photo anyway.

Then we’ll make some nice pretty strips.

Cut into the size you want for fries. The skinnier they are, the faster they cook.

Now chuck these bad boys into a bowl of cold water. Why? Why you ask? Well although starch is delicious and life sustaining too much starch slows down cooking. After sitting in water for 30 minutes to overnight these babies will be able to sizzle for America.

Now these should go in the fridge. But I don’t have heating 🙂 so it actually doesn’t matter 🙂

And before anyone gets on my ass for not skinning for American potatoes I just need to know – do you hate vitamins? Minerals? Eagles? Freedom? Beer? Listening to rock music and ignoring the messages?

Then fine. Skin your beautiful American potatoes. And enjoy being impotent. I bet you got vaccinated too.

Anyways all the true patriots who are still with me, let’s continue.

It’s been at least 30 minutes up to overnight. Drain your potatoes, pat dry, and place on a pan. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Add oil and add as many spices as God gives you the right to. (Hint: it’s all of them)

Personally, I like to add salt, pepper, tajín, steak seasoning, rosemary, cumin, and a little vinegar.

Cook for 20 minutes, flip, and then cook for another 20 minutes.

Then enjoy your amazingly delicious American fries. Dip into ranch like God intended. I will allow ketchup as a classic and even blue cheese, but you’re on thin fucking ice.

And if you fucking dare to dip these in guacamole just gO BACK TO YOUR YUPPIE HIPPIE TREE HUGGING EQUAL RIGHTS AND HEALTHCARE LOVIN CALIFORNIA!

just disgusting!

Ingredients:

• 2 large potatoes (American)
• Cold water
• 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
• 1 teaspoon of salt
• 1 teaspoon of pepper
• 1 teaspoon of steak seasoning

• Optional:
  • 1/2 teaspoon of cumin
  • 1 teaspoon of tajin
  • 1 teaspoon of rosemary
  • 1 teaspoon of white vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon of whatever the hell else you want

Directions:

1. Cut potato(es) into thin slices.
2. Place in bowl and top with cold water.
3. Soak for at least 30 minutes. The longer the potatoes soak, the crispier the fries will be. They can soak for up to 12 hours uncovered in the fridge.
4. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees 5 minutes before draining your potatoes.
5. Drain potatoes and pat dry.
6. Spread out on to a pan. Add oil and spices.
7. Cook in the oven for 20 minutes.
8. Flip, and cook for another 20 minutes.
9. Allow to cool and enjoy!