If You Want to Prove You’re Not a Racist You’ll Make These Cookies

i will be watching

Sup. How you doin. *poorly winks, actually is just blinking*

WELL I don’t know about you, but I’m doing well. I just ate cookie dough (which I love) and I will soon be making cookies (double love).

“Cookies? Cookies??” you say? Why yes! Not just any ordinary cookies, but whole wheat sugar cookies! I know. I see you sweat with anticipation. Wow, you are really sweating. Here’s a cloth, it’s not that exciting.

There’s one more exciting thing about these cookies. They are dairy free! So you, me and others I guess can enjoy these cookies and not feel guilty/farty. And if there’s one thing I love more than having cookies, it’s not farting while enjoying them.

I searched the internet (read: looked at the first two articles that popped up) and couldn’t find true dairy free sugar cookies. SURE there was no butter but there was always milk which, this may surprise you, has dairy in it. So guess what world, I made them! And they taste quite good in mine humble opinion.

I’ve included some pictures below of my process. I really love the flavor of whole wheat flour and also I had nothing else in my pantry. A perfect match. For the butter substitute I used vegetable shortening, and for the milk substitute I used unflavored soy milk. Also, because I knew the cookies wouldn’t look pretty enough for Pinterest, I decided to add some holiday flavors–cinnamon and nutmeg. Those are not needed for the recipe, just something I wanted to try out.

I would like to note that every recipe I read (two, to be exact) suggested using a stand up mixer. Some of us are not so fancy, thought I, who needs that shit? Not I, I said to myself. A regular whisk should work, right? Guys, right? Guys, back me up?

No. No it does not. So I went back to the original stand up mixer. Nature’s stand up mixer.

My hands. My best decision? Probably not. Did it work? Yes, yes it did.

For sugar cookies, it’s really important to chill the dough before baking. And you can’t go wrong with some cute decoration. A few days ago, I bought Christmas cookie cutters. Those plus my one cat cookie cutter will make total sense together as I present them to my friends in one hour.

For an extra zing (zhing? zahing? zang? idk guys you get the point) I added turbinado sugar to the top of each cookie. Since this is a test recipe, I only made 8 cookies. It’s totally coincidental that I only had one pan available from making the Chicken and Veggies Meal. https://fuckmeupsoftlywith.food.blog/2019/11/24/example-post/

After a surprisingly short 10 minutes, the cookies were done! The turbinado sugar disappeared into the cookies (crying emoji). Nevertheless I had to face the relentless judges; my three drunk friends.

Friend 1: Hmmm…

Friend 2: mmmm… it’s good!

Friend 3 (who I met for the first time that night): It’s not sugary enough. Also it’s slightly doughy.

The lesson to be learned here is that your friends will lie to you but have strangers try your food. They will tell the truth. And truthfully, when I tasted it, it was not sugary enough and slightly doughy.

Personally, I love the whole wheat flavor but it’s not for everyone. I think it overpowered the brown sugar, which I could have upped, or I could have just gotten flavored soy milk.

To amend the baked cookies, we added poorly made royal icing. (did you know that you’re supposed to measure things before creating them? I did not.)

There’s definitely still some experimentation to be done with this recipe, but I encourage you to try it out and tell me what you think! (or you can wait till Part 2: Electric Bugaloo where I remake it with better ingredients).

Ingredients:

• 3 cups of whole wheat flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• .5 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup vegetable shortening
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 4-5 tablespoons of unflavored soy milk
• 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • Optional:
    • A dash of nutmeg and cinnamon (think less than an 1/8 teaspoon)
    • A sprinkle of turbinado sugar
  • Other Notes:
    • If you’re racist and hate brown things, I suppose you can use All Purpose White Flour, White Sugar, and none of the seasoning. But just know I will be judging you

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Add all dry ingredients together and mix.
3. Add in the wet ingredients. If you’re rich and can afford a stand up mixer, go you! It’s so much easier. If you’re like me, use your hands to get today’s exercise in.
4. Once the dough has come together and is no longer crumbly, let rest in the fridge for at least 15 minutes.
5. Lightly flour your counter and roll out your dough. I chose to go .5 inch thick on the dough. Cut out your designs.
   • If you’re not using cookie cutters, make sure to flatten the dough when you put it on the pan.
6. Bake for 9-11 (never forgive never forget) minutes.
7. Pull out of oven, and let rest for 5 minutes.
8. Decorate and serve!

This has nothing to do with the recipe but please look at my cats.