please try eating this
Hi. Hello. Are you okay? Are you doing well? Are you eating? Because if not you should eat this.
Vas ist los? And why do you write so poorly in German, you may ask? Well for starters I don’t actually speak German (duh) and clearly don’t write it. Secondly that says what is this? And this is Panko Covered Chicken.
This has the perfect marinade. My favorite marinade. It’s the perfect dressing, everything you could ever want. If you wanted to bathe in it I would understand, because I sure do. If you dream of becoming it, covered in it, tasting like it, drowning others in your holy wrath then by golly we’re on the same page. We both love
RANCH DRESSING
God I love Ranch. I want to become ranch dressing and allow someone else the pleasure of spreading me ranch dressing on pizza or salad or as a marinade as I have done today.
I’ve used this recipe for a long time. I know what to do, I know what I want when I eat it, I know how it should taste, I’ve memorized the recipe SO WHY you may ask is the title I fucked this up?
Oh let me tell you.
My pride ’twas mine folly.
Oh, thought I, I don’t need to bother with pesky thinking or planning as I know how this recipe works.
*insert Kelly Kapoor shaking her head gif*
I somehow forgot that I had prepared 8, yes EIGHT strips of chicken from two chicken breasts.
In my head, I only had 4, a measly FOUR chicken strips marinating in my glorious ranch dressing. Thus began my comedy of errors.
BECAUSE I thought I only had 4 chicken strips, I chose a small pan. Bad decision numero uno.
AND BECAUSE I thought I only had 4 chicken strips I only set out 2/3 cup of panko bread crumbs.
AND WHEN I opened the bag of marinating chicken strips to see NOT FOUR BUT EIGHT CHICKEN STRIPS INSTEAD OF STOPPING EVERYTHING I STUCK MY HAND RIGHT IN TO THE RAW CHICKEN AND THEN I COULDNT STOP SO YOU CAN SEE WHERE I FUCKED UP.
And that was only bad decision numero dos. Because in hindsight, I could have just stopped and washed my hands, but then everything was going so fast so I kept going like a bad decision train.
I forgot to season the panko bread crumbs. Bad decision numero tres. So when I finally had rolled all my chicken strips I realized how very white they all looked. How white I looked for making this. And to be clear I am very white but god damn do I have to show it off all the time??
So I improvised. Poorly. I just sprinkled some spices on the chicken to the best of my ability and BOY was it uneven. But not so white so a win?
I bowed my head in shame and placed my strips into the oven, praying to the kitchen gods for something good to come of my pride.
“Oh great gods of the modern age kitchen, please forgive me for my pride, my anxiety, my plain stupidity in your realm. I am but a mortal, a mere crumb from left overs past, but I beg thee, thou, thines, to watch over and protect mine chicken. I sacrifice all my best dairy to you. It’s not like I can have it, so you might as well. Amen.”
With a deep bow, I warily checked my chicken in the oven’s weak light. Indeed, it was cooking! Praise be! My prayer worked!
A short 45 minutes later, my chicken was cooked and out of the oven.
I guess I need to sacrifice some cheese on my kitchen altar soon.
Time for the harshest judge of all–myself. I’m a real jerk to myself, pretty often. No reason to stop now.
Me: Oh Fine Judge, I present to you this offering of panko chicken.
Fine Judge (also me but mean): That’s a dumb ass name. *looks at me, which is self* Fits.
Me: Yes I agree.
FJ: The chicken is juicy but the flavor is uneven. It’s lacking salt. Did you forget the white people’s favorite, if not spiciest, spice?
Me: Apparently the salt shaker ran out? And yes I feel bad about the flavor, but it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever made.
FJ: Oh I remember that! Cream cheese salmon! Shall we relive that memory?
Me: Okay so you’ve proved your point goodbye!
The fine judge disappears into thin air. So long
~~~for now~~~
Well you’ve heard it from the fine judge herself. This is satisfactory, and if you don’t fuck up like me it’ll actually be good! Besides if you don’t believe me or me but mean, please observe this photo of my sous chef in training, because she approves.
(p.s.–the recipe for the sprouts pictured are on this page: Merry ChrimaGiving Year Wait What Holiday Is It Again)
Ingredients:
- 8 thin chicken strips
- .5 cup of ranch dressing (or more if you desire)
- 2 cups of panko bread crumbs
- .5 teaspoon salt
- .25 teaspoon garlic powder
- .25 teaspoon basil
- .25 teaspoon oregano
- .25 teaspoon black pepper
- 1 tablespoon of olive oil
Directions:
- Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
- Place the 8 chicken strips in a plastic bag. Add the ranch dressing and mix together. Let marinade for at least 15 minutes in the fridge.
- Mix panko bread crumbs and spices in a bowl.
- Set out the pan you wish to use and grease the pan with the olive oil.
- Once the chicken is done marinating, roll each strip in the panko mixture. Set in pan.
- Cook for 40-45 minutes. Check at 20 minutes and flip.
- When finished cooking, let cool for 5 minutes and enjoy!
Fuck Me Up Softly (With Food) 