guys im honestly kinda confused
Wasssssuuuupppppp.
Wow. What. A. Day. Huh.
Family. Politics. Alcohol. Police. Wait, there wasn’t a police presence in y’all’s holidays? Oh yeah same. Same here. That’s never happened.
But I have a problem. A legitimate problem. I don’t know what holiday it is. I know it’s the holiday season, because the radio keeps telling me so, but I’m not certain which one.
I’m hearing a lot of “happy holidays” and “merry Christmas” but I FEEL like, just feel deeply in my soul that theres a holiday I’m forgetting in my southern Christian world.
I think it has something to do with thanks or murdering native Americans, maybe both but I’m just not sure.
My friends are trying to help me, but I’m not certain we’re doing a real holiday. They’re calling it “Friendsgiving.” I hope I get a few friends out of the deal.
This ‘holiday’ (if I can even call it that) requires a lot though. I can’t just show up and get free food. I have to make food. Me. ME. I hate making food which is why I’ve dedicated this blog to talking about me making food.
Which like, ugh, what a trial for me. However, I have been reliably informed that there will be free alcohol (praise) and probably no police.
So what does one make for Friendsgiving in the holiday season for some vegans?
Great question. Let me tell you.
Uno: Roasted Brussel Sprouts and Cranberries
Dos: Mom’s Apple Crumble
I can already hear you through the screen. EEWWWW BRUSSEL SPROUTS THATS DISGUUUSTINGGGGG
okay first off, you’re a fool and your bones are weak. Your bloodline will die early from lack of nutrients and they will never praise you for you were their downfall. So try that one on for size.
Obviously Mom’s Apple Crumble is a no brainer. Mom+memories+apples=delicious food.
Let’s get started, butches!
I meant to write bitches, but you know what! Butches are invited too and femmes as well. Everyone else is on a case by case basis. Please submit your applications via PM.
Dish Numero Uno: Merry Chrima
I learned recently that brussel sprouts do not come in bags but on stalks. Wow. Nature is truly amazing.
Man! It’s slightly difficult to pluck off these little suckers. But it’s totally worth the cool factor of having a giant ass stalk in your kitchen.
Once you pluck all the sprouts off, cut them in half. Rinse, dry and douse in oil. Throw in RAW cranberries.
Note: Raw cranberries are hard as a rock. They are bitter, disgusting and you should not eat them raw. But it’s important to have them in this disgusting state for this recipe.
Throw in some sweet delicious brown sugar and baby you got a stew roasted sprouts and cranberries going.
Bake for 30 minutes and if you don’t care about a sear, you’re done.
Unfortunately, I have a problem. I love the sear. The sweet sweet look of a good sear and added taste is just *kisses fingers in an Italian way* magnifiqué.
So I broiled that shit until my depravity was satisfied.
Just…magnifiqué.
I was ready to move on the second dish.
Dish Numero Dos: My Mom’s Reputation
Oh mother.
You were always prepared.
You always woke up early.
You never slept in and forgot about the fact that you were making this recipe for friends who live 30 minutes away and it takes an hour to bake therefore you have to get your ass out of bed RIGHT NOW OMIGOD FIND YOUR WILL TO LIVE.
Soooo I’m not a saint. I’m going to be more like my aunt: funny, classy as hell, and always late to thanksgiving. But my aunt is fucking awesome so who cares!
Hopefully not my friends who invited me 
We did have to start lying to my aunt about when thanksgiving started so I guess that’s my new life, being lied to and still being late.
Whatever I’m bringing the crumble. It’s vegan, it’s fruity, and it’s really sweet. And once they taste it they will hopefully forgive me for mine sins.
The original recipe is not vegan (crying emoji). My mom sometimes forgets that butter, yes!, does have dairy in it. But we compromised boo, we figured it out!
Coconut oil! Good for your hair and good for this recipe! If you had vegan butter on hand, that would work super well too.
I also added to my mother’s work. Mother, forgive me. I added, drumroll please…
spices
Yes! Yes!! The most terrifying creation to the whites that we still killed indigenous people over–spice!!
I just can’t really do plain food (for white people). I’ve been reliably informed by POC that my food is still plain so spice it up! I mean we did kind of steal it from you and never use it sooo~~~
I used my three favorite holiday spices; cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg. Yes, I know ginger is NOT a traditional holiday spice. But once you try it you’ll never go back!
It adds warmth, it adds a depth of flavor that you’re just not getting from the first two. If you try it and hate it, please feel free to curse me and all my descendants. We welcome it.
Honestly bless my mother because this recipe is suuuuppperrrr easy. You chop shit, mix shit and then bake said shit.
I didn’t even ruin it! Which is impressive. Because I manage to ruin quite a lot.
How well did I do? You might ask? With question marks?
Well let the judges fair three tell ye what they thi-nk. Pretend that rhymes.
Again, I did arrive late. They were hungry, and already disappointed because our other friends bailed. It was very sad but we did have alcohol and my food. What could go wrong?
For once, nothing!
Open thine ears and hear thine’s judgement:
Friend 1: IT’S FUCKING DOPE!
Friend 2: The tanginess of the cranberries pairs well with the sweetness of the apples and sprouts.
Friend 3: It is good (as they shovel food into their mouth).
You heard it from them! You should obviously drop everything and make these recipes.
Ingredients for Merry Chrima:
- 1 stalk of brussel sprouts
- 1 cup of cranberries
- .25 cup of brown sugar
- 3 tablespoons of olive oil
- .25 teaspoon of salt
Directions:
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Rinse and chop all sprouts in half.
- Add cranberries.
- Add brown sugar, olive oil, and salt and mix.
- Cook for 30 minutes. Check at 15 minutes. If you desire the sweet, sweet sear, broil on high for an additional 5 minutes.
Ingredients for My Mom’s Reputation:
- 1 cup chopped apples
- 1 cup raw cranberries
- 1 cup instant oats
- .5 cup of sliced almonds
- .75 cup of brown sugar
- 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
- .5 teaspoon of ginger
- .5 teaspoon of nutmeg
- 2-3 tablespoons of coconut oil
Directions:
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Chop apples and place in pan. Add in cranberries.
- Add oats to a bowl. Add the brown sugar, almonds, and spices. Place on top of the fruit.
- Spread out the coconut oil on top in thick chunks.
- Bake for 15 minutes and then cover with tin foil. Bake for additional 45 minutes.
- Remove and let cool, then serve!
Once again, nothing to do with the recipe, just wanted to show off how cute my cat is in his box (watching over the kitchen, as a good kitchen manager should).
Fuck Me Up Softly (With Food) 