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1 (or 2) Pan Chicken Veggie Meal

Hello!

Wow, who let you post with such vulgar language in your title?

The internet, that’s who! And that sweet internet shall carry me through to my bitter end (bless up).

But that’s not what I’m writing about today. Today I’d like to share with you an easy, quickly made recipe that’s full of protein. For instance, if you’ve been crying a lot, this will give you the strength to go to work because you don’t have a husband to do the work for you oh god I’m going to be alone forever–

ANYWAYS. *flips hair* Let’s focus on the more exciting part of my, on our collective lives here. Food. This is a simple recipe that takes 1 hour (ugh I know) but makes great meal prep or you can jazz it up to make it seem like you actually know how to cook.

Here’s a shitty pic I took before I ran off to work but after eating half of the dinner oops lol

Personally, I love chicken as a protein. It’s cheap, it’s easy to prepare and hard to fuck up. So that’s what I chose as my main protein. BUT. This recipe would still work with another main protein (steak, turkey, etc). My second protein is bacon, and it provides most of the fat content needed to make a meal last in your stomach, aka keep you full. If you wanted just one protein, you could shake it up and just use beef, which has a high fat and protein content. Idk boo. You do you.

For vegetables, I used allll my favorites: potatoes, asparagus, bell peppers and red onions. It really doesn’t matter which vegetables you use. You just need to be aware of the cooking time for the individual pieces. The first time I made this recipe, I had my potatoes in big chunks and my bell peppers in small chunks. The bell peppers were shriveled away by the time the potatoes full cooked. The second time around, I chopped everything into large chunks (think about an inch) EXCEPT for the potatoes, which I did in about half inch chunks. Much better results if I do say so myself.

I used the basics for the spices; basil, thyme, parsley, oregano, onion powder and salt. I used a teaspoon of each spice and two teaspoons of salt. As I was chopping everything up, I threw all of my ingredients into a bowl (save the bacon). I added 1 tablespoon of olive oil and the spices, mixed it altogether and threw it onto two pans. I chopped up the bacon and threw it on top in the way I thought prettiest. They baked at 400 for 45 min, stopping at 20 min to mix the veggies around.

Now that I’m on my second try of making this recipe, I would make a few adjustments. I would add 2 tablespoons of olive oil. The first time around, the mixture was way too oily (very delicious, just too oily for my tastes). So I thought, let’s cut it down a bit and see how it does? Now my potatoes are stuck to the pan. It’s not the end of the world but I am sad about the potatoes. The spices have turned out well otherwise. Last time I added garlic, and while it smelled good, it does not taste good to have a full bite of garlic. Garlic powder is clearly the way to go.

As for dressing this recipe up–that would be really simple just by changing the main protein. If you switched the main protein to steak and cooked that in a pan while the veggies and bacon cooked in the pan, you’d have a very fine meal indeed. If you wanted to make this vegan/vegetarian, you could subtract the meat and add tofu or beans, perhaps nutritional yeast as well. And for one of my favorites! If you wanted this for breakfast, just cook an egg sunny side up (or any way you want I suppose), heat the leftovers in the same pan and BAM! A delicious breakfast.

I guess this is where I go to the actual recipe? But I don’t know how to actually make that yet so please accept this poor substitute:

Ingredients:

  • Chicken (4 Thin Slices or 1 Breast)
  • Bacon (4 Slices)
  • One handful of asparagus
  • One potato
  • One small bell pepper
  • One small onion
  • .5 teaspoon of basil, thyme, parsley, and oregano
  • One teaspoon of salt
  • .25 teaspoon of garlic powder
  • 1 tablespoon of olive oil

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Chop all vegetables and toss into a bowl.
  3. Chop chicken.
  4. Add spices and olive oil, and mix together.
  5. Spread onto pan.
  6. Chop two pieces of bacon into one inch pieces. Spread on top of mixture any way you like.
  7. Bake for 40-45 min, checking at 20 min and mixing vegetables.
  8. Pull out of oven and allow to cool for 5 min.
  9. Enjoy!

1 pan recipe makes about 3 servings for me so prolly 4 servings for people who watch what they eat.

To make the 2 pan recipe, double the ingredients and add an extra pan.

I hope you enjoy! Comment below if you’ve tried it and how it worked for you 🙂

It’s Time For Freedom (Fries)

or how to make fries when infrastructure = socialism

Oh hello all. I suppose you’re wondering how I got in this situation.

Oh wait, you can’t see me? Shivering in my own American house? Unable to get on my American roads in my (mostly) American car filled with (kinda) American gas? Due to all the American snow?

Or did the socialists send it?!

Truly Biden and the deep state are behind this to crush our American spirits. This is how I know: days before this snow storm, the grocery stores were wiped out. Now the roads aren’t being cleared. We would have to pay for that service. Coincidence? I think not!

Of course, there is no better way to completely crush the American spirit than to restrict our access to french fries. I am most oppressed without my hot, salty strips of starch.

And yes, I suppose I could try to walk to McDonald’s but then I could also slip and die and though those fries are delicious, it’s just not worth it!

I must remember how our dear grandparents survived in hard times. In times like these, we must pull ourselves up by our bootstraps! Just from a sitting position, grab your bootstraps, and pull up!

Are you pulling?

Well I’m definitely pulling.

Have you gotten up yet?

I mean I definitely have so just keep trying. It totally worked for me so just keep going. What are you like, weak?

Yeah well since I’m up, I’m going to make my own, American fries! I’ll call them Freedom Fries! This is a new original idea so don’t steal it. And while you’re down there, pulling, you can just follow along I guess.

Start with one large potato per person. Wash, scrub off, and get ready to cut open.

Cut lengthwise, hot dog style. American style. You get it but I’ll attach a photo anyway.

choose a good all american potato and double check that it speaks english

Then we’ll make some nice pretty strips.

slippers are American if you don’t have heating

Cut into the size you want for fries. The skinnier they are, the faster they cook.

beauty

Now chuck these bad boys into a bowl of cold water. Why? Why you ask? Well although starch is delicious and life sustaining too much starch slows down cooking. After sitting in water for 30 minutes to overnight these babies will be able to sizzle for America.

taking a bath

Now these should go in the fridge. But I don’t have heating 🙂 so it actually doesn’t matter 🙂

And before anyone gets on my ass for not skinning for American potatoes I just need to know – do you hate vitamins? Minerals? Eagles? Freedom? Beer? Listening to rock music and ignoring the messages?

Then fine. Skin your beautiful American potatoes. And enjoy being impotent. I bet you got vaccinated too.

Anyways all the true patriots who are still with me, let’s continue.

It’s been at least 30 minutes up to overnight. Drain your potatoes, pat dry, and place on a pan. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Add oil and add as many spices as God gives you the right to. (Hint: it’s all of them)

Personally, I like to add salt, pepper, tajín, steak seasoning, rosemary, cumin, and a little vinegar.

bb chef approved

Cook for 20 minutes, flip, and then cook for another 20 minutes.

kitchen manager hard at work: a testament to capitalism in all gods creatures

Then enjoy your amazingly delicious American fries. Dip into ranch like God intended. I will allow ketchup as a classic and even blue cheese, but you’re on thin fucking ice.

And if you fucking dare to dip these in guacamole just gO BACK TO YOUR YUPPIE HIPPIE TREE HUGGING EQUAL RIGHTS AND HEALTHCARE LOVIN CALIFORNIA!

just disgusting!

Ingredients:

  • 2 large potatoes (American)
  • Cold water
  • 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 teaspoon of pepper
  • 1 teaspoon of steak seasoning
  • Optional:
    • 1/2 teaspoon of cumin
    • 1 teaspoon of tajin
    • 1 teaspoon of rosemary
    • 1 teaspoon of white vinegar
    • 1 teaspoon of whatever the hell else you want

Directions:

  1. Cut potato(es) into thin slices.
  2. Place in bowl and top with cold water.
  3. Soak for at least 30 minutes. The longer the potatoes soak, the crispier the fries will be. They can soak for up to 12 hours uncovered in the fridge.
  4. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees 5 minutes before draining your potatoes.
  5. Drain potatoes and pat dry.
  6. Spread out on to a pan. Add oil and spices.
  7. Cook in the oven for 20 minutes.
  8. Flip, and cook for another 20 minutes.
  9. Allow to cool and enjoy!

Shameful Secret…(Not In a Food Porn Way)

but it could be if our husbands come to a mutual agreement for us aka lemon garlic roasted chicken

It’s been a while. And I can explain…but I must admit I am a bit ashamed.

For you see this October 2021 in the year of our Lorde, I got married.

Yes I know. And even worse, to a man.

I started this blog with the intention of never writing about husband’s, because they have cooties and are generally stinky.

Yet, here I am, married to one! I truly have failed all my Ls, Gs, some Bs, and Ts.

Rest assured reader, I shall stay true to my promise to never write about him! No more shall you have to struggle through stories of wives dying to be desired, wastefully baking casseroles, hoping that he’ll love her. I shall never torture you in such a way.

Well. Now that that’s out of the way…

Today’s recipe is inspired by my lovey dovey husband!!!!! He says every time I make this he’s so glad he paid three goats for me!!! I feel like soooooooo loved by him!!!!! I just have to keep making food this good forever and he’ll never cheat on me and that’s not so bad is it?? Alright ladies follow for tips!!

Today we’re making a whole roasted chicken for our big strong men, mashed potatoes and itty bitty salads (for like, us). Everyone knows men don’t eat greens!!

First you’ll need a whole chicken. I used a 4 lb chicken and my man said it was just right!! And everything he says is law and I must obey. Chop up three lemons and set aside. Break the breastbone of your chicken, pull out the innards and place in a pan, breast side down. If you’re not strong enough to break the breastbone, or it makes you squeamish, just get your big strong man to do it! Add generous amounts of olive oil, minced garlic, thyme, rosemary, salt and pepper. Finish with your sliced lemons. Place in the oven at 350 degrees for 50 minutes.

While that’s cooking, chop up 8-9 potatoes and throw them into a pot. Cover with water, add salt, get boiling and cook for 20 minutes

While all this is cooking you might think to yourself – “why gee, I think I’d like to rest!”

HEY. HEY STOP THAT. GET TO WORK AND CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE. WE GOT TWENTY MINUTES UNTIL OUR NEXT STEP AND YOUR MAN WONT BE HAPPY IF YOURE LAZY

After you’ve cleaned the whole house the potatoes should be ready to be drained. Add butter, sour cream, salt and pepper. Mix to taste. Or should I say, our man’s taste! I don’t have an identity anymore.

Oops! Gotta check on that chicken. A burnt chicken equals an angry man and that never turns out well for us does it ladies? If you would like your chicken skin extra crispy, roast under the broiler for an additional 5 minutes after your chicken reaches an internal temperature of 165 degrees.

Last and certainly least, a salad. Pull some weeds out of the ground who cares you’ll be the one eating it. If it makes you sick at least you’ll stay trim. And we all know, our husbands married us so we would never change because we’re objects 🙂

Wow ladies. What a fantastical adventure we’ve been on. I hope you’ve learned a lot from me and my fountain of wisdom. Well until next time (assuming my husband permits me to write!)

Ingredients:

  • For chicken:
    • Raw whole chicken, about 4 pounds
    • 3 lemons
    • 2 tablespoons of minced garlic
    • Teaspoon of salt
    • Teaspoon of pepper
    • 1 tablespoon of thyme
    • 1 tablespoon of rosemary
  • For mashed potatoes:
    • 8-9 medium potatoes
    • Tablespoon of salt
    • Water to cover potatoes
    • 1/2 cup of vegan butter
    • 1/2 cup of sour cream
    • Salt and pepper to taste
  • Favorite greens for a salad (I choose arugula)

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Cut three lemons into slices, set aside.
  3. Remove the liver and other innards from your chicken. Break the breastbone.
  4. Add olive oil to the bottom of your pan, and then place your chicken breast side down.
  5. Add olive oil and spices. Massage into skin and get into all the nooks and crannies.
  6. Place lemon slices on top of chicken. Put into oven for 50 minutes.
  7. To create roasted skin, add 5 minutes at the end of cooking time under the broiler after removing the lemons.
  8. Begin with new cutting board. Cut 8-9 potatoes into 2 inch size pieces. Place into pot and cover with water. Add salt and place on high. Once the water is boiling, reduce to simmer and allow to cook for 20 minutes.
  9. Once the potatoes are soft enough for a fork to pierce easily, drain and allow to cool.
  10. Once cool, add butter, sour cream, salt and pepper. Mix to taste.

Additional notes:

  • The bigger your bird the longer it will need to cook
  • Add as many spices as you want! I got lazy lol
  • Arugula salads are delicious and you should try them ESPECIALLY with fried onions
  • Ummmmmmmmm that’s it enjoy byeee
be not afraid our kitchen manager is keeping an eye on anyone and everyone who’s coming in

Brew That Art Cold

yah you guessed it its cold brew

Hey.

Hey!

HEY! WAKE UP!

Wow you’re a deep sleeper. Seems like you need some caffeine.

Well lucky for you I have a recipe for our favorite form of caffeine; coffee. And not just any coffee, the strongest form of coffee (below espresso). It’s cold brew!

Unlucky for you we have to start it approximately 20 hours ago. So unless you’ve got a time machine we gotta get started on this pronto my bronco.

Now you don’t need a lot to make cold brew. Though some fancy coffee chains from Seattle may have convinced you otherwise, you can make this at home!

First you need a pitcher. I like using a 64 ounce mason jar. Why yes, I am white, how did you know?

my alien fingies

Next you’ll need coffee beans (duh). I personally love light roast beans from Guatemala, so I chose Perc Coffee from Whole Foods. Make sure they are coarsely ground.

mmm caffeine beanz

Throw in two cups of coffee beans into your pitcher of choice (if you’re using a 64 ounce container).

“But wait!” You say! “I don’t have a 64 ounce container! I have a 1 quart container! (Or some other amount that doesn’t equate!)”

hey guys just curious if anyone reads these but should i plant my onion?

Well aren’t you a difficult Danielle. Fortunately, with MATHEMATICS we can solve this problem! Except, of course, there is another issue.

You see, America is dumb and we use the dumbest system for measuring stuff in the world. LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD USES THE METRIC SYSTEM. EXCEPT US.

And we’re just over here, ‘murica-ing away, with our cups, and quarts, and pints and gallons and who knows how they all together.

You know, to teach children how our measurement system works, we have to teach them songs over and over again just so they maybe get the idea. They have an illustration called Gallon Man. If you want to be terrified, look it up.

I bet in other countries, they’re just like: “It’s times 10 kids. That’s it. That’s the whole system. Just 10×10. Honestly, it’s really hard to fuck this up. Here’s your standardized test but one last time—just add a zero to the end each time go up, subtract a zero to go down.”

If you can’t tell, I’m jealous. I’m over here, in fifth grade, struggling to figure out how many feet are in a mile AND my changing body and kids in Europe just have to focus on the second part. Unfair.

Unfortunately I learned this recipe in Imperial (which is like such a dumb name for a system of measurement) so hold on while I attempt to translate it into something understandable.

2 cups (not liquid, but dry, because we didn’t bother to have a different name for each kind) equals 1 pint which approximately equals 17 ounces.

Now at this point, we can create a fraction (yay!) that helps us if you don’t have a 64 ounce container.

Please excuse my shitty handwriting/ math mistakes.

basically if you have a 48 ounce container you’ll need 13 ounces of coffee beans

“Hey, author, did you do all that just to show off the fact that you can do fifth grade level math?”

Hmmm.

Perchance.

But hey! Now you know this. Hope it helps.

Mix your 17 ounces of coffee beans to 64 ounces of cold water (or equivalent).

The next part is easy. You just have to wait 12-24 hours.

Yes! You do need to wait this long. Otherwise the water won’t penetrate the beans and produce that sweet, sweet brew which we call coffee.

Once you’re finally done waiting, you just need to strain the beans and drink!

mmm foamyyy
my little friend, le french press

In this game of caffeination you and I desire and deserve one thing—the delicious foam that is proof all our waiting has worked.

Once you strain the beans with a cheese cloth or a French press, the foam will sadly disappear. All is well. Our work here is done.

Optional:

You can sweeten your batch of cold brew by adding sugar BEFORE chilling it. The sugar will not mix as easily once chilled.

AND AGAIN I used my fave, my little love, turbinado sugar. It mixed within 5 minutes (as the pics below will show).

before shaking at 10:40
barely there at 10:41
all gone at 10:42

Personally, I gotta cut the cold brew with my dairy free lover—vanilla soy milk. You’ve read about my love for soy before and I won’t bore you with it…for now.

finished project ft my growing red onion

There you have it! Fight capitalism, be caffeinated, and make your own food! I’m backing you babe 😉

Tools Needed:

  • Large Container (64 ounces)
  • French press/Cheese Cloth
  • Second, smaller container (1.5 quart)

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups of coarsely ground coffee beans
  • Cold, filtered water
    • Optional:
      • Sugar

Directions:

  1. Put two cups of coarsely ground coffee beans in the large container.
  2. Fill up the rest of the container with cold, filtered water. Ensure that ALL the beans are covered.
  3. Wait 12-24 hours.
  4. Strain beans.
  5. Add sweetener if desired.
  6. Chill and enjoy!

B-b-b-bonus!

Are you struggling to get your kitten to care about equivalencies? Does she not seem to care about math, or education at all?

Start with waving a pencil to get her attention! Eventually she’ll want to learn to add, right?

proof. she will be a professor one day

Squawk Went The Chicken

squawk squawk SQuawk sqUAWk squawk

Hi. Hello.

Imagine, with me, a simpler time.

The sun slowly rises outside your window. Breeze blows in fresh farm air.

Ahhhh! You think. I love my life.

You streeeeetch out, feeling much more awake. Hopping out of bed, you walk into the kitchen and survey the food situation.

Hmmm…I would love some eggs this delightful morning.

You walk out to the chicken coop where your little hens affectionately squawk at you.

You crouch down and admire your hens’ plumage. You find your favorite, Henrietta, and scritch her little head.

Gosh, you think, I hate this part.

Then, deftly, suddenly, without arousing suspicion, you grab Henrietta’s neck and swing her around and around like a carousel oh god you just heard her neck crack oh lord and there’s liquid everywhere, you don’t want to look, the chickens are running in fear, screeching, oh god; she’s stopped moving.

You sigh deeply, and walk into the chicken coop. With Henrietta gone, her eggs are left unguarded.

As you cradle Henrietta’s lifeless body in one hand and her eggs in the other, you feel power like no other surge through you.

In the middle of that dirty chicken coop, you scream out: “I! AM! YOUR! GOD!”

Your ego now satisfied, you skip into the kitchen to enjoy some breakfast. And just think, by 5 Henrietta will be ready too!

Wow. What a trip that was! Really makes you think about life, huh.

I have taken a much easier route to obtain today’s chicken. I just went to Lidl and got the jumbo pack of chicken breasts. I also got a pack of mushrooms, green peppers, carrots, onions. And from that, I shall make a meal.

“What kind of meal?” You ask? “The kind where we violently kill a chicken that we love?”

Nah. Only if you want to. This meal can easily be made vegan if you wish!

Today we are making Mediterranean bowls a.k.a. Buddha bowls a.k.a. really easy healthy bowls of food let’s start okay?

If you’ve never heard of any of these terms, just imagine a bowl where you have some protein, some starch, some vegetables, and some fat to even it all out. It’s the perfect meal all in one serving.

I have made a Mediterranean bowl before, following another recipe, with lots of other ingredients that I just knew I didn’t have.

So I just decided to wing it.

But like, in a cool way, where I write it all down so y’all can copy me (or not, it’s your life I can’t make you do anything).

Honestly, it’s all about the prep work with this meal. We’re gonna be messing up some dishes tonight y’all.

Remember the song “Breaking Dishes” by Rihanna? Imagine that song, but about cleaning dishes because we’ll be cleaning dishes (all night) oh yeah? (uh huh).

abudance

I started by chopping all of the vegetables into thick chunks and mixing them together in a large bowl. I also added in one can of chickpeas.

THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT

Dry out your chickpeas BEFORE attempting to season or cook them. They will not become crunchy or delicious like they should if you do not dry them out. I used a paper towel, as seen below.

peez

I then added olive oil and seasonings to the bowl. Now, I ain’t scared of no ghost flavor. I added cumin, basil, ginger, cayenne, turmeric, salt and lime juice. I thought it was appropriately spicy. If you don’t like spice though, skip the cayenne. It adds a kick.

prety

Shove those into the oven and get your butt working on your next two items: protein and starch.

I tried something different last night. I didn’t know if it would work, and honestly, it felt kind of weird. I toasted my quinoa.

nothing is happening here except confusion

I was really anxious about it catching on fire the entire time, and I don’t think it really added that much, flavor wise. Wouldn’t do it again, but had fun trying it out.

While I was attempting to toast the quinoa, I began to chop my chicken breasts into nuggets (RIP Henrietta).

I threw these chunks back into the same bowl I used before and used the same spices, but just like, waaaaay less.

she lived a full life ;(

By this point, the quinoa was ready to actually start cooking, so I started that. I readied the pan for the chicken nuggets and started them on a low temp.

As I have spoken of before, I love a good sear.

A sear on veggies?~~~ Beautiful~~~

A sear on chicken? Tears of joy!

A sear on steak? In between I’ll give you my first child and I’ll make my first child with you, really depends on the circumstances, I await your answer.

I really wish I had gotten a picture of how the chicken cooked, but I was busy between watching the quinoa, watching the chicken, and moving the vegetables around.

Anyway, what I do is NOT MOVE THE CHICKEN PIECES WHILE COOKING until they are halfway cooked. Flip, wait a few minutes, then turn up the heat to high to quickly sear. Magnifique!

Everything finished within five minutes of each other. And as someone who is generally pretty shit with food time management, I have to say, I’m really proud of myself!

With everything finished, all that’s left to do is eat!

Use the quinoa as a base, then add the chicken and veggies on top.

it was ten when i finished so i started with a small serving

Perfection (almost).

I say almost because I forgot two (2) things, which I of course didn’t notice until my second serving.

1. I forgot the fresh greens portion.

2. I forgot the avocado (crying emoji).

These problems are easily fixed. First! Just don’t care about your bones. Problem solved. Second! Just use ranch or some shit I don’t care it’s your life.

I’m kidding guys I totally care about my bones and how they have marrow and blood and holes in them. As for the fat portion, I really did just use ranch. I think it tastes great, but I would also marry ranch dressing so it’s really your call.

Last note: let’s say you’re like me and you don’t have every ingredient on the list below, or just have similar ingredients, or what have you. Feel free to mix it up, and try something new! Good luck and let me know what happens!

Ingredients:

  • 1 16 ounce can of chickpeas
  • 2 medium carrots
  • 2 medium onions
  • 2 medium green peppers
  • 8-10 bella mushrooms
  • 2 raw chicken breasts
  • 1 cup uncooked quinoa
  • 1 avocado
  • .5 lime
  • .5 cup coarsely chopped spinach
  • 5-7 tablespoons of olive oil
  • 1.5 teaspoon of cumin
  • 1.5 teaspoon of basil
  • .5 teaspoon ginger
  • .5 teaspoon cayenne
  • .5 teaspoon salt
  • .25 teaspoon turmeric

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Start by chopping all your vegetables into thick, 1 inch chunks.
  3. Place in large bowl.
  4. Dry out chickpeas, and add to mixture.
  5. Add 3-4 tablespoons of olive oil to the mixture.
  6. Add 1 teaspoon of cumin and basil, .5 teaspoon of ginger and cayenne, and .25 teaspoon of salt and turmeric to the mixture. Squeeze in half of the lime juice.
  7. Mix well.
  8. Put on tray and place in oven to cook for 30 minutes.
  9. Start heating 2 cups of water for your quinoa.
  10. Place a large pan on the stove top for the chicken. Add a tablespoon of olive oil to grease it, and start the temperature on low.
  11. While heating the water and the pan, chop the chicken into nugget sized chunks.
  12. Place into the large bowl again, adding 1-2 tablespoons of olive oil.
  13. Add .5 tablespoons of cumin and basil and .25 teaspoon of salt. Squeeze in the other half of the lime juice.
  14. Mix well. If your pan is warm now, put the chicken in.
  15. If your water is boiling now, bring to a simmer and add quinoa. Cook for 15 minutes.
  16. Cook chicken for 5-7 minutes on each side, minimum.
  17. When all is done, let cool and serve in a bowl with the fresh spinach and avocado.
it costs our kitchen manager 500 pieces of kibble a month to afford his double box street level condo. it’s sooo cramped. he needs a second job. anyone got any good leads that could help him earn that kibble?

Time For The CHONK

i really hope you guys get that reference it’s a stretch i know

Hey. Hi. How are you, How, HOW ARE you? How are you doing? How’s life going? Okay? Just okay?

Like ugh same but I have something here that will make it better. That will make our lives better, and it’s been working for centuries.

“Medicine?” You ask?

“Herbal remedies?”

“Ancient techniques that you, a white girl in your early twenties somehow discovered?”

Ahhhhh no. Something better.

Pancakes!

You squint your eyes and purse your lips. Lines in your forehead start to appear. You look into a mirror and scream! For you look just like your mother!

And that’s why you should be more open to new ideas.

These pancakes will NOT solve your diseases or your depression or your debt crisis or your divorce BUT YOU KNOW WHAT. Those are hard problems to solve. These pancakes can help with one thing.

Knowing what to eat in the morning when you don’t feel like getting up.

You raise your hand, “Um, teacher, isn’t that just depression?”

Another raises their hand, “Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?”

Bitch it might be but I might just be sad and you know what, the first step to getting better is eating so I can take my meds so then I can go to work so then I can make money so then I can afford therapy and food and doctors and it’s a cycle, bitch.

Perhaps you’re like me. Still a bitch, just a sad one. A sad bitch. Sad bitch, if you will. You still gotta live boo. And these pancakes will help!

They are tasty, they are marginally good for you, and they look silly while you’re making them which personally, helps me a lot.

These are chonky bois. The chonkiest. If you like them big, if you like them chonky, you will like these.

On top of that they are dairy free! I suppose you could make them with dairy (with some key changes) but I still quite enjoy them. Of course I am lactose intolerant so you’re really just taking my word for it.

ingredience

I have made this recipe before, and it is adapted from a recipe I found on Pinterest. If you want to find the original recipe, go to Simply Whisked and look up Extra Fluffy Dairy Free Pancakes.

If you’ve been reading this blog for the last week that it has been up, then you will already know what kind of flour I used. It’s a tasty flour, builds up your bones, makes you want to live on a farm with your cats (Just me? Huh. Surprising.) It’s whole wheat!

Whole wheat has this delicious, almost malty sweet flavor that I find white flour does not have. Whenever possible, I go for whole wheat.

I also chose an alternative route as far as sugar. I chose to go with turbinado sugar. And it’s not just because I don’t have white sugar in my pantry!

reminds me of the eye of sauron

0kay. You’ve caught me. I don’t have white sugar in my pantry. But I get paid this Friday so I’ll see you then with all my fancy white flour and white sugar.

More seriously, I do prefer turbinado sugar for this recipe. It has a richer, almost caramel-y type flavor that I really enjoy. Of course, I am in the camp that believes pancakes should not be super sweet.

“What!!” You gasp and somehow speak while communicating two (2) exclamation points! “But, but!! It’s pancakes for breakfast!”

Yes! It is breakfast! And it at least should pretend to be healthy and therefore not as sweet. If you’re truly up in arms about this, just double up the sugar and you should be just fine.

As for my dairy free milk, I went with my favorite, my one true love, my eternal love; vanilla soy milk.

Oh! Vain were the days when I scorned soy milk for it’s photoestrogens that would make me more female! How I jeered at it’s health benefits! How I mocked it’s delicious content!

Ahem. More seriously, you would have to be drinking an INSANE amount of soy milk to be developing more breast tissue from soy milk. Or anything soy. So if you were scared like I was, honestly, get over yourself and fall in love.

I wish I was getting paid to say that unfortunately I really just like vanilla soy milk that much. Soy milk companies, hmu. I could do this alllll daaaaayyyyy.

Where was I? Oh right. This isn’t a love poem about soy milk this a food blog. Could possibly work that in though.

For my dairy free butter option, I WAS going to use coconut oil but then SOMEONE (read:me) used too much of the oil and forgot to put it on the shopping list. So I used vegetable shortening instead.

Honestly, I was a little nervous. I had never used vegetable shortening in a pancake recipe and it looked a little weird when I plunked it into my batter. It did not work well. I again remembered stand up mixers, and how I don’t own one. Please, use a stand up mixer.

I pressed on and had a delightful idea. When I was younger, on special days, my siblings and I got to have not just pancakes but BLUEBERRY PANCAKES. We had them so rarely it was like the world’s best breakfast. And can you guess what I had in my fridge this morning?

It’s not bananas, it was blueberries!

As I tapped my feet in glee I remembered a faint, faint memory. One morning my parents were making us pancakes. Greedy for more than I had been offered, like most children, I asked my mom if we could add the fresh blueberries that were in the fridge.

She said no, and that we had to wait until we got canned blueberries (which was always a surprise). I remember being SO disappointed.

BUT! I am an adult now! I can add the fresh blueberries! And lord’t did it look horrific.

yeet

Truly, I had created a monster. But as long as it is delicious I really don’t care how it looks and never have.

It was finally time for my favorite part. Cooking (and then immediately eating though it’s too hot and my tongue gets burned but it’s really good so I do it anyway).

boils or blueberries?

Wow. Much Chonk.

Word to the wise–low and slow baby. These bad boys are, as previously mentioned, chonky and therefore need a LONG time to cook. I did about 3-5 minutes per side. Eventually I did start spreading the batter out more instead of just plopping it down and that sped up the cooking time by a minute.

my sous chef inspects my work

I made another mistake (big surprise, I know). I was on my last pancake, so close to being done when I felt it. The need. My morning need. I think we all know what I’m talking about. The waking ritual. The morning office with the porcelain throne. The coffee kickstarter. Need I say more?

I will, because I’ve clearly regressed into a ten year old. Poop. WE ALL DO IT OKAY. And I needed to go right then, right there. Obviously not right there, I have my own porcelain throne. But my pancake was cooking, what could I do?

I made the best decision I could under that kind of pressure. I turned off the stove and I ran y’all, when I tell y’all I ran, cats were running out of the way as I went to my safe place to do the deed.

I thought I went fast enough. But when I came back my pancake was burnt. There was a great sadness as I placed it on top of my stack. And let me tell you, a burnt pancake is not a good pancake.

Don’t do it. Not even once.

Just don’t.

As for my judgements: that last pancake was definitely tough and not as good as the other two. Really three, but I gobbled up the first one so there isn’t a picture of it.

Oh, you thought I wasn’t going to mention my mom again in this post? Thou art mistaken, for as always, she was right after all. Canned blueberries, or at least blueberries in a sweet sauce would have improved this recipe. Even though I am not a fan of a super sweet breakfast, this could stand to be a little sweeter.

Overall, 3 out of 4 pancakes turned out well and that’s a passing grade, which is how it works in school, which has informed how I view the world, wait guys you’re saying the world isn’t like school at all and there aren’t grades? I need more pancakes.

Ingredients:

  • 1.5 cups of whole wheat flour
  • 1 tablespoon of turbinado sugar
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • .5 teaspoon salt
  • 1.25 cup of vanilla soy milk
  • 3 tablespoons of vegetable shortening
  • 1 egg
    • Optional:
      • 1 cup of canned blueberries
      • 1 cup of sliced bananas
      • .5 sliced walnuts
      • 1 cup of chocolate chips

Directions:

  1. Mix dry ingredients in bowl together.
  2. Add in wet ingredients.
  3. If using optional ingredients, slowly mix in at the end.
  4. Heat a pan on low with olive oil. When the pan feels warm to your hand, add batter.
    • Batter will not spread out by itself. The chonkier the batter, the longer it will take to cook.
  5. Let batter cook on each side for 3-5 minutes.
  6. Serve and enjoy!
my sous chef has been promoted to head editor! here she is, working hard. our kitchen manager is taking a much deserved day off.

Merry ChrimaGiving Year Wait What Holiday Is It Again

guys im honestly kinda confused

Wasssssuuuupppppp.

Wow. What. A. Day. Huh.

Family. Politics. Alcohol. Police. Wait, there wasn’t a police presence in y’all’s holidays? Oh yeah same. Same here. That’s never happened.

But I have a problem. A legitimate problem. I don’t know what holiday it is. I know it’s the holiday season, because the radio keeps telling me so, but I’m not certain which one.

I’m hearing a lot of “happy holidays” and “merry Christmas” but I FEEL like, just feel deeply in my soul that theres a holiday I’m forgetting in my southern Christian world.

I think it has something to do with thanks or murdering native Americans, maybe both but I’m just not sure.

My friends are trying to help me, but I’m not certain we’re doing a real holiday. They’re calling it “Friendsgiving.” I hope I get a few friends out of the deal.

This ‘holiday’ (if I can even call it that) requires a lot though. I can’t just show up and get free food. I have to make food. Me. ME. I hate making food which is why I’ve dedicated this blog to talking about me making food.

Which like, ugh, what a trial for me. However, I have been reliably informed that there will be free alcohol (praise) and probably no police.

So what does one make for Friendsgiving in the holiday season for some vegans?

Great question. Let me tell you.

Uno: Roasted Brussel Sprouts and Cranberries

Dos: Mom’s Apple Crumble

I can already hear you through the screen. EEWWWW BRUSSEL SPROUTS THATS DISGUUUSTINGGGGG

okay first off, you’re a fool and your bones are weak. Your bloodline will die early from lack of nutrients and they will never praise you for you were their downfall. So try that one on for size.

Obviously Mom’s Apple Crumble is a no brainer. Mom+memories+apples=delicious food.

Let’s get started, butches!

I meant to write bitches, but you know what! Butches are invited too and femmes as well. Everyone else is on a case by case basis. Please submit your applications via PM.

Dish Numero Uno: Merry Chrima

I learned recently that brussel sprouts do not come in bags but on stalks. Wow. Nature is truly amazing.

Man! It’s slightly difficult to pluck off these little suckers. But it’s totally worth the cool factor of having a giant ass stalk in your kitchen.

Once you pluck all the sprouts off, cut them in half. Rinse, dry and douse in oil. Throw in RAW cranberries.

Note: Raw cranberries are hard as a rock. They are bitter, disgusting and you should not eat them raw. But it’s important to have them in this disgusting state for this recipe.

Throw in some sweet delicious brown sugar and baby you got a stew roasted sprouts and cranberries going.

Bake for 30 minutes and if you don’t care about a sear, you’re done.

Unfortunately, I have a problem. I love the sear. The sweet sweet look of a good sear and added taste is just *kisses fingers in an Italian way* magnifiqué.

So I broiled that shit until my depravity was satisfied.

Just…magnifiqué.

I was ready to move on the second dish.

Dish Numero Dos: My Mom’s Reputation

Oh mother.

You were always prepared.

You always woke up early.

You never slept in and forgot about the fact that you were making this recipe for friends who live 30 minutes away and it takes an hour to bake therefore you have to get your ass out of bed RIGHT NOW OMIGOD FIND YOUR WILL TO LIVE.

Soooo I’m not a saint. I’m going to be more like my aunt: funny, classy as hell, and always late to thanksgiving. But my aunt is fucking awesome so who cares!

Hopefully not my friends who invited me :/

We did have to start lying to my aunt about when thanksgiving started so I guess that’s my new life, being lied to and still being late.

Whatever I’m bringing the crumble. It’s vegan, it’s fruity, and it’s really sweet. And once they taste it they will hopefully forgive me for mine sins.

The original recipe is not vegan (crying emoji). My mom sometimes forgets that butter, yes!, does have dairy in it. But we compromised boo, we figured it out!

Coconut oil! Good for your hair and good for this recipe! If you had vegan butter on hand, that would work super well too.

I also added to my mother’s work. Mother, forgive me. I added, drumroll please…

spices

Yes! Yes!! The most terrifying creation to the whites that we still killed indigenous people over–spice!!

I just can’t really do plain food (for white people). I’ve been reliably informed by POC that my food is still plain so spice it up! I mean we did kind of steal it from you and never use it sooo~~~

I used my three favorite holiday spices; cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg. Yes, I know ginger is NOT a traditional holiday spice. But once you try it you’ll never go back!

It adds warmth, it adds a depth of flavor that you’re just not getting from the first two. If you try it and hate it, please feel free to curse me and all my descendants. We welcome it.

Honestly bless my mother because this recipe is suuuuppperrrr easy. You chop shit, mix shit and then bake said shit.

I didn’t even ruin it! Which is impressive. Because I manage to ruin quite a lot.

How well did I do? You might ask? With question marks?

Well let the judges fair three tell ye what they thi-nk. Pretend that rhymes.

Again, I did arrive late. They were hungry, and already disappointed because our other friends bailed. It was very sad but we did have alcohol and my food. What could go wrong?

For once, nothing!

Open thine ears and hear thine’s judgement:

Friend 1: IT’S FUCKING DOPE!

Friend 2: The tanginess of the cranberries pairs well with the sweetness of the apples and sprouts.

Friend 3: It is good (as they shovel food into their mouth).

You heard it from them! You should obviously drop everything and make these recipes.

Ingredients for Merry Chrima:

  • 1 stalk of brussel sprouts
  • 1 cup of cranberries
  • .25 cup of brown sugar
  • 3 tablespoons of olive oil
  • .25 teaspoon of salt

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Rinse and chop all sprouts in half.
  3. Add cranberries.
  4. Add brown sugar, olive oil, and salt and mix.
  5. Cook for 30 minutes. Check at 15 minutes. If you desire the sweet, sweet sear, broil on high for an additional 5 minutes.

Ingredients for My Mom’s Reputation:

  • 1 cup chopped apples
  • 1 cup raw cranberries
  • 1 cup instant oats
  • .5 cup of sliced almonds
  • .75 cup of brown sugar
  • 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
  • .5 teaspoon of ginger
  • .5 teaspoon of nutmeg
  • 2-3 tablespoons of coconut oil

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Chop apples and place in pan. Add in cranberries.
  3. Add oats to a bowl. Add the brown sugar, almonds, and spices. Place on top of the fruit.
  4. Spread out the coconut oil on top in thick chunks.
  5. Bake for 15 minutes and then cover with tin foil. Bake for additional 45 minutes.
  6. Remove and let cool, then serve!
Once again, nothing to do with the recipe, just wanted to show off how cute my cat is in his box (watching over the kitchen, as a good kitchen manager should).

I Kinda Fucked This Up But Don’t Let That Stop You

please try eating this

Hi. Hello. Are you okay? Are you doing well? Are you eating? Because if not you should eat this.

Vas ist los? And why do you write so poorly in German, you may ask? Well for starters I don’t actually speak German (duh) and clearly don’t write it. Secondly that says what is this? And this is Panko Covered Chicken.

This has the perfect marinade. My favorite marinade. It’s the perfect dressing, everything you could ever want. If you wanted to bathe in it I would understand, because I sure do. If you dream of becoming it, covered in it, tasting like it, drowning others in your holy wrath then by golly we’re on the same page. We both love

RANCH DRESSING

God I love Ranch. I want to become ranch dressing and allow someone else the pleasure of spreading me ranch dressing on pizza or salad or as a marinade as I have done today.

I’ve used this recipe for a long time. I know what to do, I know what I want when I eat it, I know how it should taste, I’ve memorized the recipe SO WHY you may ask is the title I fucked this up?

Oh let me tell you.

My pride ’twas mine folly.

Oh, thought I, I don’t need to bother with pesky thinking or planning as I know how this recipe works.

*insert Kelly Kapoor shaking her head gif*

I somehow forgot that I had prepared 8, yes EIGHT strips of chicken from two chicken breasts.

In my head, I only had 4, a measly FOUR chicken strips marinating in my glorious ranch dressing. Thus began my comedy of errors.

BECAUSE I thought I only had 4 chicken strips, I chose a small pan. Bad decision numero uno.

AND BECAUSE I thought I only had 4 chicken strips I only set out 2/3 cup of panko bread crumbs.

AND WHEN I opened the bag of marinating chicken strips to see NOT FOUR BUT EIGHT CHICKEN STRIPS INSTEAD OF STOPPING EVERYTHING I STUCK MY HAND RIGHT IN TO THE RAW CHICKEN AND THEN I COULDNT STOP SO YOU CAN SEE WHERE I FUCKED UP.

And that was only bad decision numero dos. Because in hindsight, I could have just stopped and washed my hands, but then everything was going so fast so I kept going like a bad decision train.

I forgot to season the panko bread crumbs. Bad decision numero tres. So when I finally had rolled all my chicken strips I realized how very white they all looked. How white I looked for making this. And to be clear I am very white but god damn do I have to show it off all the time??

So I improvised. Poorly. I just sprinkled some spices on the chicken to the best of my ability and BOY was it uneven. But not so white so a win?

I bowed my head in shame and placed my strips into the oven, praying to the kitchen gods for something good to come of my pride.

“Oh great gods of the modern age kitchen, please forgive me for my pride, my anxiety, my plain stupidity in your realm. I am but a mortal, a mere crumb from left overs past, but I beg thee, thou, thines, to watch over and protect mine chicken. I sacrifice all my best dairy to you. It’s not like I can have it, so you might as well. Amen.”

With a deep bow, I warily checked my chicken in the oven’s weak light. Indeed, it was cooking! Praise be! My prayer worked!

A short 45 minutes later, my chicken was cooked and out of the oven.

I guess I need to sacrifice some cheese on my kitchen altar soon.

Time for the harshest judge of all–myself. I’m a real jerk to myself, pretty often. No reason to stop now.

Me: Oh Fine Judge, I present to you this offering of panko chicken.

Fine Judge (also me but mean): That’s a dumb ass name. *looks at me, which is self* Fits.

Me: Yes I agree.

FJ: The chicken is juicy but the flavor is uneven. It’s lacking salt. Did you forget the white people’s favorite, if not spiciest, spice?

Me: Apparently the salt shaker ran out? And yes I feel bad about the flavor, but it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever made.

FJ: Oh I remember that! Cream cheese salmon! Shall we relive that memory?

Me: Okay so you’ve proved your point goodbye!

The fine judge disappears into thin air. So long

~~~for now~~~

Well you’ve heard it from the fine judge herself. This is satisfactory, and if you don’t fuck up like me it’ll actually be good! Besides if you don’t believe me or me but mean, please observe this photo of my sous chef in training, because she approves.

(p.s.–the recipe for the sprouts pictured are on this page: Merry ChrimaGiving Year Wait What Holiday Is It Again)

Ingredients:

  • 8 thin chicken strips
  • .5 cup of ranch dressing (or more if you desire)
  • 2 cups of panko bread crumbs
  • .5 teaspoon salt
  • .25 teaspoon garlic powder
  • .25 teaspoon basil
  • .25 teaspoon oregano
  • .25 teaspoon black pepper
  • 1 tablespoon of olive oil

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
  2. Place the 8 chicken strips in a plastic bag. Add the ranch dressing and mix together. Let marinade for at least 15 minutes in the fridge.
  3. Mix panko bread crumbs and spices in a bowl.
  4. Set out the pan you wish to use and grease the pan with the olive oil.
  5. Once the chicken is done marinating, roll each strip in the panko mixture. Set in pan.
  6. Cook for 40-45 minutes. Check at 20 minutes and flip.
  7. When finished cooking, let cool for 5 minutes and enjoy!

If You Want to Prove You’re Not a Racist You’ll Make These Cookies

i will be watching

Sup. How you doin. *poorly winks, actually is just blinking*

WELL I don’t know about you, but I’m doing well. I just ate cookie dough (which I love) and I will soon be making cookies (double love).

“Cookies? Cookies??” you say? Why yes! Not just any ordinary cookies, but whole wheat sugar cookies! I know. I see you sweat with anticipation. Wow, you are really sweating. Here’s a cloth, it’s not that exciting.

There’s one more exciting thing about these cookies. They are dairy free! So you, me and others I guess can enjoy these cookies and not feel guilty/farty. And if there’s one thing I love more than having cookies, it’s not farting while enjoying them.

I searched the internet (read: looked at the first two articles that popped up) and couldn’t find true dairy free sugar cookies. SURE there was no butter but there was always milk which, this may surprise you, has dairy in it. So guess what world, I made them! And they taste quite good in mine humble opinion.

I’ve included some pictures below of my process. I really love the flavor of whole wheat flour and also I had nothing else in my pantry. A perfect match. For the butter substitute I used vegetable shortening, and for the milk substitute I used unflavored soy milk. Also, because I knew the cookies wouldn’t look pretty enough for Pinterest, I decided to add some holiday flavors–cinnamon and nutmeg. Those are not needed for the recipe, just something I wanted to try out.

guys is this cute enough for Pinterest TM

I would like to note that every recipe I read (two, to be exact) suggested using a stand up mixer. Some of us are not so fancy, thought I, who needs that shit? Not I, I said to myself. A regular whisk should work, right? Guys, right? Guys, back me up?

turns out a whisk will NOT be enough

No. No it does not. So I went back to the original stand up mixer. Nature’s stand up mixer.

My hands. My best decision? Probably not. Did it work? Yes, yes it did.

post kneading (please just use a mixer)

For sugar cookies, it’s really important to chill the dough before baking. And you can’t go wrong with some cute decoration. A few days ago, I bought Christmas cookie cutters. Those plus my one cat cookie cutter will make total sense together as I present them to my friends in one hour.

please ignore the onion im apparently growing

For an extra zing (zhing? zahing? zang? idk guys you get the point) I added turbinado sugar to the top of each cookie. Since this is a test recipe, I only made 8 cookies. It’s totally coincidental that I only had one pan available from making the Chicken and Veggies Meal. https://fuckmeupsoftlywith.food.blog/2019/11/24/example-post/

so pretty before i cooked it (RIP)

After a surprisingly short 10 minutes, the cookies were done! The turbinado sugar disappeared into the cookies (crying emoji). Nevertheless I had to face the relentless judges; my three drunk friends.

Friend 1: Hmmm…

Friend 2: mmmm… it’s good!

Friend 3 (who I met for the first time that night): It’s not sugary enough. Also it’s slightly doughy.

The lesson to be learned here is that your friends will lie to you but have strangers try your food. They will tell the truth. And truthfully, when I tasted it, it was not sugary enough and slightly doughy.

Personally, I love the whole wheat flavor but it’s not for everyone. I think it overpowered the brown sugar, which I could have upped, or I could have just gotten flavored soy milk.

To amend the baked cookies, we added poorly made royal icing. (did you know that you’re supposed to measure things before creating them? I did not.)

There’s definitely still some experimentation to be done with this recipe, but I encourage you to try it out and tell me what you think! (or you can wait till Part 2: Electric Bugaloo where I remake it with better ingredients).

Ingredients:

  • 3 cups of whole wheat flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • .5 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup vegetable shortening
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 4-5 tablespoons of unflavored soy milk
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
    • Optional:
      • A dash of nutmeg and cinnamon (think less than an 1/8 teaspoon)
      • A sprinkle of turbinado sugar
    • Other Notes:
      • If you’re racist and hate brown things, I suppose you can use All Purpose White Flour, White Sugar, and none of the seasoning. But just know I will be judging you :/

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
  2. Add all dry ingredients together and mix.
  3. Add in the wet ingredients. If you’re rich and can afford a stand up mixer, go you! It’s so much easier. If you’re like me, use your hands to get today’s exercise in.
  4. Once the dough has come together and is no longer crumbly, let rest in the fridge for at least 15 minutes.
  5. Lightly flour your counter and roll out your dough. I chose to go .5 inch thick on the dough. Cut out your designs.
    • If you’re not using cookie cutters, make sure to flatten the dough when you put it on the pan.
  6. Bake for 9-11 (never forgive never forget) minutes.
  7. Pull out of oven, and let rest for 5 minutes.
  8. Decorate and serve!

This has nothing to do with the recipe but please look at my cats.

my kitchen manager (feat the office)
my VERY loud sous chef in training

About

Hi! Hello. Hey. What’s upppppp. Welcome to my shit post of a blog.

Why am I doing this? That’s a great question. To shame my mom? Only slightly. To make my life less boring? God I hope so. To give my life some meaning? Hmm…think we’re past that. No, I think we’re past all reasonableness and into just silliness at this point. But lord’t I hope you enjoy it.

So please come along with me as I try to not fail in life. There might even be a few kitten photos as well!

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